In this Ask Sally column, Lisa, 32, shares her concerns about her unsatisfying sex life with her boyfriend. She appreciates his kindness, humor, and financial stability but feels he’s selfish in bed. For four and a half years, they’ve been together, living with his family’s approval, and discussing marriage and kids. Despite his great qualities, their sex life leaves her unfulfilled. He rarely initiates foreplay and isn’t interested in any sexual activity unless it’s penetration. This has been a consistent issue since they started dating.
Lisa feels that intercourse with him is like a race, where he always finishes first, leaving her unsatisfied. Often, she ends up frustrated, needing to masturbate after he falls asleep. She has tried discussing this with him, but the conversation led to an argument, making her hesitant to bring it up again. Although he enjoys and requests oral sex from her, he’s only reciprocated twice, claiming tiredness whenever she suggests it.
At 32, she’s worried about losing her chance to start a family if she breaks up over these issues. The thought of starting anew in a relationship is daunting. Outside the bedroom, he’s caring and generous, but his behavior during sex contrasts sharply. Lisa wonders if his selfishness might stem from insecurity rather than indifference. She suspects that his sexual knowledge might be heavily influenced by porn, where unrealistic expectations are set.
Lisa needs to address this issue before it affects their future. Ignoring it will only build resentment, which isn’t conducive to a happy marriage. While her boyfriend’s wit and intelligence are valuable, they can’t compensate for this growing problem in their intimate life.
Lisa should approach the conversation delicately, framing it as a shared problem rather than solely his fault. This tough discussion is necessary and best conducted outside the bedroom, during one of their future planning talks. She should express her love and explain how improving their sex life is vital for their long-term happiness. Presenting it as a joint journey to explore and enhance their intimacy may help.
If open dialogue feels too challenging, starting with a carefully written letter might be useful, followed by a face-to-face talk. Lisa should consider seeking a sex therapist to guide them. Though her boyfriend may resist the idea, his participation could vastly improve their situation. A therapist can help them start from the basics and gradually rebuild their sexual connection.
If he vehemently opposes change, there could be deeper issues at play, such as a potential porn addiction or deeper insecurities about sex. In such a case, Lisa needs to candidly express her dissatisfaction. If he still refuses to change, she must decide if she wants to stay with someone unwilling to address such a crucial issue.
Lisa should not compromise on either having children or a fulfilling sex life; she deserves both. It’s up to her to be courageous and make the necessary changes for her happiness.
