In this Ask Sally column, Lisa, 32, shares her struggle with her boyfriend who doesn’t satisfy her sexually. He’s kind, funny, and financially stable, but selfish in bed.
Dear Sally,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for four and a half years. We live together, his family loves me, and we’ve been talking about marriage and kids for a year. He’s kind, smart, funny, and financially stable. But in bed, he’s selfish. He never initiates foreplay and isn’t interested in anything sexual unless it’s penetration. From the start, he’s never satisfied me, treating sex like a race where the first to finish wins, and it’s always him.
After he reaches his peak, his participation ends, leaving me frustrated and him asleep. I often have to finish myself off after he’s asleep, and it’s starting to make me feel fed up and used. He’s fine with me going down on him and even asks for it, but he’s only done it for me twice, and very briefly. If I suggest it, he claims he’s tired.
I’m 32, and I worry that if I end the relationship over this, I’ll miss my chance to start a family. Restarting my love life feels daunting, and I don’t know what to do.
Lisa, 32, Manchester
Dear Lisa,
It sounds like you’re dealing with a fundamental issue that won’t resolve itself and can lead to resentment. It’s encouraging that your boyfriend is kind and funny, but his selfishness in bed can undermine your relationship. However, there’s a possibility he’s not really selfish but insecure.
He might be insecure about his sexual skills and unsure of anything beyond straightforward sex. His previous experiences might have been limited to short-term relationships or he might be influenced by porn, leading him to believe foreplay isn’t necessary and sex ends when the man finishes.
You have been pretending to be okay with your sex life, but it’s time to stop and face the truth. It’s important to have an honest conversation with him, not when you’re in bed, but maybe during a discussion about your future together.
Present this as a mutual issue, not just his problem, to avoid defensiveness. Explain how much you love him and want to explore and develop your sex life together, to ensure a happy future. This approach makes it a shared journey rather than a critique of his performance.
If you find direct conversation difficult, consider writing a letter first. And think about booking sessions with a sex therapist. If he’s resistant, go on your own initially; he might come around. A therapist can guide you both in taking small steps to improve your sex life.
If he refuses to acknowledge the issue or change, you may have to decide if you can marry someone unwilling to address something that makes you unhappy. Don’t choose between having children and a satisfying sex life; you deserve both.
Be brave and make it happen.
Sally Brown
