In this Ask Sally column, 32-year-old Lisa shares her dilemma: her boyfriend doesn’t satisfy her sexually. Despite his kindness, humor, and financial stability, he’s selfish in bed.
Dear Sally,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for four and a half years. We live together, and his family loves me. We’ve even talked about marriage and kids for the past year. He’s everything I want in a partner: intelligent, hilarious, and a financially stable accountant. However, he’s selfish in bed.
He never initiates foreplay and doesn’t seem interested in anything sexual except penetration. From the beginning of our relationship, sex has felt like a race where the first to orgasm wins, and it’s always him.
I struggle to orgasm through penetration alone and need other forms of contact to get in the mood. Once he reaches his peak, he’s done, leaving me frustrated and angry lying in the dark while he sleeps peacefully. I’ve resorted to finishing myself off and am starting to feel fed up and used.
He’s happy for me to go down on him and sometimes asks for it. But he’s only reciprocated twice, and the second time only lasted a couple of minutes. If I suggest it, he claims he’s ‘tired.’
I’m 32 and worried that ending the relationship over these issues might mean I miss my chance to start a family. Starting over could take years, and I’m conflicted about what to do.
Lisa, 32, Manchester
—
Dear Lisa,
Your situation reminds me of a film where a character learns the difference between real intimacy and just going through the motions, much like how some men, influenced by porn, misunderstand what women want in bed. It’s crucial to address this problem now, as it’s not something that will fix itself and isn’t a solid foundation for a happy marriage.
Your boyfriend’s intelligence and humor won’t compensate for the growing resentment you feel due to his selfishness in bed. His caring nature outside of the bedroom contrasts starkly with his behavior during sex, which might be more about insecurity than selfishness.
It’s possible he feels insecure and lacks confidence in his technique. His reluctance to try oral sex might stem from fear of not satisfying you, rather than laziness. Most women don’t orgasm from penetration alone, a fact he might not know.
The main issue here is honest communication. You’ve been pretending to be content for too long, and it’s time to be honest. Have this conversation outside the bedroom, perhaps during a discussion about your future together.
Frame it as a shared problem to avoid making him defensive. Express your love and desire to improve your intimacy as part of building a lifelong relationship. Present it as an exploration you both embark on together.
If you have difficulty having this conversation face-to-face, consider writing a letter to start. If needed, seek help from a sex therapist. He might resist initially, but if you continue to participate, his curiosity might lead him to join you.
A therapist can guide you both through building a better sexual connection, starting with non-sexual touch and gradually reintroducing intercourse. This could help him gain the confidence he needs to satisfy you better.
If he refuses to acknowledge or address these issues, there might be deeper problems, such as an overactive porn habit or underlying insecurities about sex. If he remains unyielding, you must decide if you’re willing to marry someone who won’t change something that makes you unhappy.
Don’t feel you have to choose between having children and a satisfying sex life. You deserve both, and it’s up to you to make it happen by being brave and addressing the issue.
Sally Brown
