Dear Sally,
I’m Lisa, I’m 32, and I’ve been with my boyfriend for four and a half years. We live together, his family loves me, and we’ve been talking about a future with marriage and kids for the past year. He’s everything I could ask for outside the bedroom—kind, intelligent, hilarious, and financially stable. But when it comes to sex, he’s selfish.
He never initiates foreplay and seems only interested in intercourse. From the beginning of our relationship, he’s never been able to satisfy me sexually. It feels like a race, and he always wins by reaching orgasm first, leaving me frustrated and unfulfilled.
After sex, I often find myself lying in the dark, still desiring more, as he falls asleep peacefully. I’ve ended up having to finish myself off. While he’s happy for me to go down on him and even asks for it, he’s only done it for me twice and very briefly. Now, if I suggest it, he says he’s ‘tired’.
I’m worried because I’m 32 and feel like my chance to start a family might slip away if I end the relationship over these issues. It would mean starting all over again, which could take years. I feel stuck and unsure about what to do.
Lisa, 32, Manchester
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Dear Lisa,
Your situation reminds me of the movie Don Jon, where a guy thinks he’s great in bed but is actually just using women for his own pleasure. Many men learn about sex from watching porn, where foreplay is minimal, and sex is all about the man. It’s no surprise that some men don’t know what women truly want in bed.
You’re right to address this issue now. It’s great that your boyfriend is intelligent and funny, but resentment over sexual issues can hurt your relationship. It’s puzzling that he’s kind and generous outside of sex but becomes selfish in bed. Maybe it’s not selfishness but insecurity.
He might lack confidence beyond the basic act of intercourse. His experience might be limited, or he might think good sex is what he’s seen in porn. He’s likely aware that most women don’t orgasm through penetration alone, but deep down, he might be too scared to try anything else.
For over four years, you’ve put up with this without expressing your dissatisfaction. It’s time to stop pretending and have an honest conversation. Address it as ‘our’ problem to avoid making him defensive. Assure him how much you love him and want to be happy together, including in your sex life.
If you find talking difficult, consider writing him a letter and then discussing it. You might also benefit from sessions with a sex therapist, though he might resist at first. A therapist can help rebuild your intimacy step-by-step, which could boost his confidence.
If he refuses to change, you need to be clear about your unhappiness. If nothing changes, you might have to reconsider if you want to marry someone who won’t address issues that are important to you. Remember, you deserve both a family and a satisfying sex life. Be brave and make it happen.
Best,
Sally Brown
