In this Ask Sally column, 32-year-old Lisa says her boyfriend doesn’t satisfy her sexually. He’s kind, funny, and financially stable, but he’s selfish in bed. Sally Brown has some advice for this tricky situation.
Dear Sally,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for four and a half years. We live together, his family loves me, and we’ve been talking about a serious future, including marriage and kids. He’s kind, smart, funny, and a stable accountant, but he’s selfish in bed.
He never starts foreplay and isn’t interested in anything sexual except penetration. From the beginning, he hasn’t been able to satisfy me. Sex with him feels like a race, where the first to orgasm wins, leaving the loser with nothing. And he always wins.
After he finishes, he loses interest in intimacy. I often lie in the dark, frustrated, while he sleeps peacefully. I end up finishing myself off after he’s asleep, and I’m getting fed up with this. He’s happy for me to go down on him and even asks occasionally. However, he’s only done it for me twice, and the second time was brief. If I suggest it now, he says he’s ‘tired.’
At 32, I worry that my chance to start a family will slip away if I end the relationship over these bedroom issues. I feel like I’d have to start from scratch, and it might take years to find someone new, build a relationship, and get married. I don’t know what to do.
Lisa, 32, Manchester
Dear Lisa,
Reading your letter made me think of a film called “Don Jon.” In it, Jon believes he’s great in bed until Julianne Moore’s character tells him otherwise. Like many men, Jon learns about sex from watching porn, where foreplay is rare, and men believe the act ends when they finish.
It’s essential to address this issue now as it won’t resolve itself and can affect your future happiness. Though your boyfriend is intelligent and funny, those traits won’t make up for your increasing resentment due to his selfishness in bed.
I wonder if instead of being selfish, he might be insecure. Perhaps he doesn’t have much confidence outside of straightforward intercourse. It’s possible his previous experiences were limited to short-term relationships or one-night stands, and his ideas about sex come from porn.
He might not be too tired to give you oral sex; rather, he might be too scared because he lacks confidence in his technique. He may not know that most women don’t orgasm through penetration alone.
Part of the problem is that you’ve been pretending to be happier than you are for years. You fume silently while he sleeps, and you stopped talking about your feelings after one argument. It’s time to stop pretending and start being honest.
You need to have a difficult but necessary conversation, best done outside the bedroom. Frame it as ‘our problem’ instead of ‘his problem’ to avoid defensiveness. Tell him how much you love him and want to ensure you’re both happy, including improving your sex life together.
Make it clear you don’t want to end up as a couple that never has sex and that there’s so much more you could explore together. Approach this as a shared journey of erotic discovery.
If you struggle with this conversation, consider writing him a letter to start it off, followed by an in-person discussion. Also, seek a sex therapist to help you both. Find a therapist through reputable directories and book a session. He might resist initially, but his curiosity may bring him around eventually. A therapist can help you rebuild your sexual relationship gradually.
However, if he refuses to engage with this idea or denies there’s any problem, you need to reconsider if you want to marry someone unwilling to change something that makes you unhappy. He might have a compulsive porn habit or deeper issues with sex and intimacy.
Try to set aside your concerns about your biological clock for now. You deserve both a family and a fulfilling sex life. It’s up to you to be brave and make this happen.
