Dear Sally,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for over four years, and we live together. His family loves me, and we’ve been talking seriously about our future, including marriage and kids. He’s a fantastic person—smart, funny, and financially stable—but when it comes to sex, he’s pretty selfish. He never initiates foreplay and only seems interested in sex if it involves penetration.
From the start, he couldn’t satisfy me sexually. It feels like a race where he always wins, and I never do. After he finishes, he’s done for the night, while I’m left feeling frustrated and unfulfilled. I usually end up satisfying myself after he’s asleep, which leaves me feeling used and fed up. While he’s fine with me going down on him, he’s only done it for me twice, and both times were really brief.
At 32, I worry that ending the relationship over our sex life could mean missing out on starting a family. Starting over with someone new could take years, and I’m torn about what to do. I’ve tried talking to him, but he got upset, and it led to an argument. I haven’t had the courage to bring it up again since then. Outside the bedroom, he’s loving and generous, but in bed, it feels like my needs don’t matter to him.
Lisa, 32, Manchester
Dear Lisa,
Your situation reminds me of a film where a character realizes he’s been clueless about women’s needs in bed. These days, many men learn about sex from porn, where foreplay is almost non-existent and the focus is on male pleasure. It’s great that your boyfriend is wonderful outside the bedroom, but sexual dissatisfaction can build resentment, which isn’t a good foundation for a happy marriage.
Have you considered that he might not be selfish, but insecure? It’s possible he lacks confidence in exploring beyond basic intercourse, perhaps influenced by past experiences or misconceptions from porn. It’s clear he’s not too tired for oral sex, but maybe he’s just too anxious about his abilities. Also, most women don’t climax from penetration alone, something he might not know.
For the past few years, you’ve been pretending to be more satisfied than you are, which means he’s unaware of your true feelings. It’s time to be honest with him. This conversation should happen outside the bedroom, ideally during a discussion about your future together. Frame it as a shared issue to avoid putting him on the defensive.
Express how much you love him and how you want to ensure mutual happiness, which includes improving your sex life together. Describe it as an enjoyable journey you both can embark on. This conversation won’t be easy, especially if you avoid conflict, but it’s necessary.
If discussing it face-to-face seems daunting, consider starting with a thoughtfully written letter, followed by a discussion. Additionally, think about seeing a sex therapist, who can guide you both. He might resist, but if he sees your commitment, his curiosity might lead him to join you. A therapist can help rebuild your sexual connection step-by-step.
If he rejects the idea of change or denies any issues, there might be deeper problems. He could have an excessive porn habit, or struggles with his feelings about sex. If he’s not willing to work on this, you need to decide if you want to marry someone who disregards your happiness.
Try not to let your concerns about your biological clock overshadow the importance of resolving this. You deserve both a fulfilling sex life and a family. Be brave and take the necessary steps to achieve both.
Sally Brown is a counselor and agony aunt, passionate about helping people make sense of their lives. She’s registered with the British Association of Counselors and Psychotherapists and writes about emotional and psychological health for the national press.
