Were you captivated by the Fifty Shades Trilogy? You’re definitely not alone. To help you turn those fantasies into reality, we’ve teamed up with BDSM Mistress Madame Caramel and Sex Therapist Sarah Berry to create this beginner’s guide to BDSM.
Let’s be honest, many of us consider ourselves open-minded, yet when it comes to sex, we often stick to familiar routines. While there’s nothing wrong with that, sometimes we ignore our deepest desires to fit in—what’s the point?
Sex is always changing and evolving. If you look back to the 19th century, it was common for people to have sex fully clothed through specially stitched holes. Breaking away from the missionary position was taboo, let alone exploring oral or anal sex. Today, those acts are part of what many consider typical sex. As a result, people who enjoy rough sex, kink, and fetishes are now seen as the rule-breakers. But are we missing out?
If you’ve ever thought about spicing up your sex life with a bit of BDSM but are unsure where to begin, we’ve gathered insights from BDSM Mistress Madame Caramel and Sex Therapist Sarah Berry. According to Madame Caramel, BDSM can mean different things depending on who you ask. It stands for Bondage and Discipline (B&D), Dominance and Submission (D&S), and Sadism & Masochism (S&M). For her, as a future wife, she can’t imagine a relationship without BDSM, enjoying a mix of all these elements with her partner, where she is the dominant and he is the submissive.
In the world of BDSM, bondage and discipline involve training and restraining a submissive partner, which can show up in everyday sex in simpler forms like blindfolding your partner or holding their hands together. Restraints can range from tying with ropes (like the Japanese art of Shibari) to using handcuffs. More advanced options include ceiling hooks and bondage cages. Discipline focuses on modifying behavior, using both physical and psychological tactics like spanking or erotic humiliation.
In BDSM relationships, there’s always a dominant and a submissive partner. Dominants, known as Doms (for males) or Dommes (for females), take control, while submissives, or subs, give up control. Sadism and masochism are about the pleasure from giving or receiving pain, while dominance and submission focus on control. Pain might be part of a BDSM relationship, but it’s not always necessary.
Wondering what role you might prefer? Sarah Berry suggests trying out both to see what you enjoy. Some who are dominant in everyday life may prefer to be submissive in the bedroom, and vice versa. It’s all about finding the right balance for both you and your partner. Madame Caramel advises exploring whatever role excites you.
BDSM allows you and your partner to explore new aspects of your lives, adding excitement to your relationship in a safe and trusting environment. However, as Sarah Berry cautions, just introducing new elements into your sex life doesn’t guarantee happiness. Both partners need to be on the same page. Communication is key to a successful relationship, and BDSM shouldn’t be any different. Madame Caramel emphasizes the importance of expressing your desires and being open to exploring fantasies without fear.
If you’re having trouble finding the words to discuss BDSM with your partner, consider non-verbal approaches like leaving a flirty note or watching a suggestive movie together. Sarah Berry advises starting small before progressing to more adventurous activities.
When both partners are ready to begin, remember that being kinky doesn’t always require expensive gear or intense scenarios. Everyday items might already show elements of BDSM, from pinning someone down to using toys or trying role-play. You can even use what’s around the house, like tying with a robe belt or using a brush as a makeshift spanker.
Wearing the right outfit can help set the mood for BDSM. You don’t need elaborate gear—sometimes simple accessories or outfits can make a big difference. A safe word is also crucial for clear communication during your play, allowing you to indicate when to stop even if you’re enjoying what’s happening.
As you explore BDSM, keep in mind that it’s all about fun, connection, and mutual enjoyment for you and your partner. So go ahead and enjoy this journey into a world of new experiences and sensations.
