If you found the Fifty Shades Trilogy hard to resist, you’re not alone. We reached out to BDSM Mistress Madame Caramel and Sex Therapist Sarah Berry to help you turn those fantasies into reality with our beginner’s guide to BDSM.
Let’s be honest, even though many of us think of ourselves as open-minded, we often stick to conventional norms when it comes to sex. While there’s nothing wrong with that, sometimes we hide our deepest desires to fit in—so why do we hold back?
Sex has changed a lot over the years. Back in the 19th century, it was normal for people to have sex fully clothed with openings sewn into their garments. Trying anything beyond the missionary position was considered scandalous, much less oral or anal sex. Today, those acts are part of what we call “vanilla” sex. But those who enjoy rough sex, kinks, and fetishes are now seen as the unconventional ones. Could it be that we’re overlooking something exciting?
If you’ve ever imagined adding a little extra spice to your sex life—like BDSM—but didn’t know where to start, we have some advice from experts Madame Caramel, an internationally renowned BDSM mistress, and Sarah Berry, a sex therapist.
Madame Caramel explains that BDSM can mean different things depending on who you ask. It involves bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism & masochism (S&M). As a wife-to-be, she can’t imagine her relationship without BDSM, incorporating all these elements with her partner, where she’s the dominant and her partner is the submissive.
The bondage and discipline part involves acts where the submissive is trained and restrained, similar to milder acts in regular sex, like covering your partner’s eyes or holding hands together. Restraints can range from Shibari, a Japanese rope form of bondage, to more advanced techniques like ceiling hooks and cages. Discipline focuses on altering behavior through punishments, which can be physical or psychological, like spanking or erotic humiliation.
In a BDSM scenario, there’s always a dominant and a submissive. The dominant, called Dom for males and Domme for females, takes control, while the submissive, often called sub, gives up control. This part of BDSM is about pain; masochists find pleasure in receiving pain, while sadists enjoy giving it.
Now that we’ve covered the basics, it’s time to figure out which role suits you. According to Sarah, a session can involve choosing to be dominant or submissive. Some people enjoy both roles and switch back and forth. Finding what works for you and your partner is key. Madame Caramel suggests exploring what excites you and fully diving into that experience.
BDSM allows you and your partner to explore different dimensions of your relationship safely, which can be beneficial for mental health and intimacy. However, as Sarah advises, adding elements to your sex life doesn’t automatically lead to a better experience; mutual understanding and interest are crucial.
Bringing up something new with your partner can be tough, filled with worries about how they’ll react. Successful relationships rely on good communication. Madame Caramel emphasizes understanding each other and discussing fantasies openly. If words fail, try non-verbal communication like leaving notes or watching a suggestive movie together. Sarah suggests asking your partner about their fantasies and starting small. BDSM should enhance your relationship, not feel like a burden.
Once you’ve talked and agreed, where do you begin? Sarah mentions that being kinky doesn’t require expensive outfits or scary props. You likely already have elements of BDSM in your bedroom. Simple things like pinning someone down, using sex toys, scratching, or role-playing can be considered BDSM. You can even use household items for experimentation.
It’s wise to have a safe word since during BDSM activities, you might yell “no” and still be having fun. Start with things like holding wrists tied to bedposts, a soft brush for spanking, or dressing-up elements like latex or leather to embody your role.
If you’re ready to level up, consider items like gag balls for silent communication, handcuffs for excitement, or discreet whips that blend in with your home decor. Experiment with what interests you, find a balance with your partner, and most importantly, have fun.
Remember, experts Sarah Berry and Madame Caramel warn that BDSM should always be consensual and enjoyable for both partners. Talk, explore, and discover what works best for you, enhancing intimacy and satisfaction in your relationship.
