Lisa, a 32-year-old, is struggling with her boyfriend who doesn’t meet her sexual needs. They’ve been together for four and a half years, live together, and have even started discussing marriage and kids. While he has many great qualities—he’s kind, intelligent, funny, and financially stable—he falls short in the bedroom. He rarely initiates foreplay and seems uninterested in anything other than penetration, which leaves Lisa feeling unsatisfied.
From the beginning, sex has felt like a race to him, where he always comes out on top, leaving her frustrated. After he finishes, he quickly falls asleep, leaving her to deal with her unmet needs alone. She has even had to finish herself off after he falls asleep. Despite attempting to talk to him about these issues, he got offended and it led to arguments, making her hesitant to bring it up again.
Their sex life lacks mutual effort; he’s happy for her to perform oral sex on him but rarely reciprocates, and on the rare occasions when he does, it’s brief and unenthusiastic. Lisa fears that ending the relationship over sex will cause her to miss out on starting a family.
Sally advises that this issue won’t resolve itself and stresses the importance of addressing it now. She suggests that rather than being selfish, he might be insecure and lacking confidence in his sexual technique. His reluctance could stem from limited past experiences or misconceptions learned from porn.
For years, Lisa has pretended to be more satisfied than she is, avoiding conflict. She needs to stop pretending and have a truthful conversation with him. This discussion should happen outside the bedroom and be framed as a joint effort to improve their relationship.
Sally recommends considering couples sessions with a sex therapist. If he resists, Lisa might have to start alone, but he may eventually join out of curiosity. Therapy could help rebuild their sexual relationship from the basics up, giving him a chance to build confidence and improve their intimacy.
If he refuses to change or address the issue, Lisa needs to consider how much his unwillingness to improve their sex life affects her happiness. She should be clear about her dissatisfaction. Regardless of biological clocks, she deserves a fulfilling sex life and a partner who respects her needs.
Sally Brown, the author of this advice, is a registered therapist who specializes in relationship issues and emotional health.
