Talking about sex can be awkward, so many of us just avoid it. But having these conversations can actually bring more intimacy back into your relationship, according to Cate Campbell, author of The Relate Guide to Sex and Intimacy.
If you and your partner find it hard to talk about your feelings or sex, here’s a helpful tip: Get a notebook. On one page, write down requests for your partner, and on the opposite page, write responses to those requests. Make sure responses start with “I will,” to show positivity and commitment. For example, a response could be “I will think about that” or “I will discuss that with you tonight.” This encourages communication without making anyone feel rejected.
It’s important that both of you engage fully in this process, allowing you to equally voice your feelings. Place the notebook somewhere easy to access and check it regularly. This way, you can bring up concerns and ensure they’re discussed, not ignored.
Don’t forget to mention positive things your partner does that you appreciate. Even small acknowledgments like “I love it when you make me dinner” or “Thanks for supporting me with the pocket money issue” can bring you closer and spark intimacy.
When discussing things that bother you, try not to sound accusing. Instead of saying, “You never call me back,” try something like, “I feel upset when you don’t call me back.” This approach helps prevent arguments.
Reminiscing about your early days together can also help rekindle your connection. Talk about what attracted you to each other at the start. When alone, recall early sexual memories and see if there’s anything you’d want to bring back into your current relationship. Sharing these moments even with your children can include them in the positive story of your relationship.
Many people find saying no to sex the hardest part of communicating. To handle this better, discuss ahead of time how to respond when one of you isn’t in the mood. Offering a hug and a brief explanation can prevent tension and awkwardness.
Consider how silence affects your relationship. Do you find it uncomfortable, or is it a sign that you’re comfortable with each other? Misunderstandings can arise from different perceptions of silence, so it’s worth talking about what it means to each of you.
When you need to talk about something important, choose the right moment. Plan the conversation for a time when neither of you is rushed, instead of bringing it up unexpectedly.
Be clear and direct in your communication rather than beating around the bush. For example, saying, “I’d like us to go to my sister’s party on Saturday” is more straightforward than “What are your plans for Saturday?”
Keep discussions about issues short. Ideally, aim for under 20 minutes and definitely wrap it up within half an hour. If more time is needed, schedule another conversation. Dragging it out can lead to frustration and unresolved issues.
Date nights are fantastic for focusing on your relationship away from everyday pressures, but keep expectations realistic. Use these nights to relax and have fun. Make sure sex is treated as special by eliminating distractions like phones and pets. Have everything you might need ready and nearby to avoid breaking the moment.
After sex, spending a few minutes cuddling is crucial. It reinforces the special time you just shared and ensures you both feel valued.
Be aware of how your upbringing affects your views on sex and intimacy. Understand that your partner might have different beliefs and conventions. Talk openly to avoid misinterpretations and hurt feelings.
Don’t let gender roles dictate your sexual relationship. Discuss how these expectations might be affecting you and what you actually desire. This can lead to a sex life that truly satisfies both of you and strengthens your relationship.
Clearly communicate your sexual needs instead of expecting your partner to guess. If you feel uncomfortable openly expressing these desires, start by asking for non-sexual favors and gradually build up to discussing sexual needs.
Explore sensual touch without a sexual agenda. Use your fingertips, lips, or even feathers to gently caress each other. This can increase intimacy and help you discover new ways to enjoy closeness.
Schedule time for sex if spontaneous moments aren’t realistic for your lifestyle. Consider taking a break from sex to focus on other forms of affection like kissing and cuddling.
Be sensitive to your partner’s body insecurities. If they prefer the lights off or staying partially clothed, respect that. Making your partner feel comfortable can help them relax and enjoy intimacy more.
Appreciate all acts of intimacy, not just sex. Enjoy touching, kissing, and cuddling for what they are, without seeing them solely as a prelude to sex. This mindset can enhance your relationship and reduce pressure.
Engage in honest conversations about your needs and encourage your partner to do the same. Continuous curiosity and openness can prevent stagnation in your sexual relationship.
