Talking about sex can be a bit embarrassing, so many of us avoid it. However, opening up about it can actually bring more closeness to your relationship, says Cate Campbell, author of The Relate Guide to Sex and Intimacy.
If you and your partner struggle to discuss sex or your feelings, here’s a simple exercise that might help. Grab a notebook and dedicate one page for your requests to your partner, and the opposite page for their responses. Start each response with “I will” to keep things positive. For instance, a response like “I will think about that” or “I will discuss that with you tonight” fosters communication rather than feeling rejected.
Make sure both of you are committed to this process to effectively share your thoughts. Place the notebook where it’s convenient for both, check it daily, and use it to express your feelings about the relationship. This approach can help bring up and resolve concerns rather than letting them fester.
Remember to appreciate the little things your partner does. Simple comments like “I love when you make me dinner” or “I appreciated your support with the pocket money issue” can strengthen your bond and spark intimacy.
When discussing issues, avoid starting sentences with “you” as it can sound like blame. Instead, use “I” statements such as “I feel a bit upset when you don’t call or text me back” to reduce the chance of arguments.
Reminiscing about the early days of your relationship can rekindle your connection. Share fond memories with your kids and, when alone, revisit those early sexual experiences. You might even find something you’d love to incorporate into your current relationship.
Saying no to sex is often awkward, so preemptively discuss how to handle it gracefully. A hug and a brief explanation can prevent future discomfort.
Consider how you view silence in your relationship. It’s helpful to understand if both perceive it as comfortable or awkward. Ask your partner what they think silences mean to align your perspectives and avoid misunderstandings.
When you have something important to talk about, choose the right moment and avoid catching your partner off guard. Be clear and direct in your communication to avoid confusion. For example, say, “I would like us to go to my sister’s party on Saturday” rather than a vague, “What were you planning for Saturday?”
Keep conversations about important issues short—under 20 minutes is ideal. Long, drawn-out talks can lead to frustration and unresolved issues. Schedule another conversation if necessary.
Date nights are great for focusing on your relationship away from daily stresses. Keep expectations realistic and ensure the time is relaxing and enjoyable.
During sex, eliminate distractions by turning off your phone and keeping pets out of the room. Have all necessary items like contraceptives or sex toys ready and easily accessible to avoid interrupting the moment. After sex, spend a few minutes cuddling to reinforce the connection you’ve made.
Recognize that conventions about sex and intimacy are often deeply rooted in our upbringing. Understand and respect each other’s backgrounds to avoid misunderstandings.
Gender expectations can influence how we think about and engage in sex. Discuss these roles with your partner to create a more satisfactory sexual relationship based on mutual desires rather than societal expectations.
Communicate openly about your sexual needs. Don’t expect your partner to guess what you want. If you’re uncomfortable, start by asking for non-sexual favors and build from there. Your partner might also need support in expressing their needs.
Stay curious about each other’s sexual desires and keep exploring new things together. This helps prevent stagnation and boredom in your sex life.
Engage in non-sexual touching to increase intimacy. Use your fingertips, lips, or even feathers to gently caress each other, avoiding private areas to focus on tender, non-sexual connections. This can heighten intimacy and improve your sex life overall.
Plan time for sex if necessary, especially if your schedules are busy. Agree on a period without sex to focus on other forms of physical affection, which can boost your relationship.
Be aware of body insecurities. Respect your partner’s comfort levels during intimacy, such as keeping the lights off or staying partially clothed, to help them feel at ease.
Value non-sexual acts of intimacy, like catching each other’s eye or sharing a quick kiss. These moments enhance feelings of closeness and well-being. Don’t assume that every touch or kiss should lead to sex; enjoy them for the intimacy they provide.
Cate Campbell’s book, The Relate Guide to Sex and Intimacy, offers more tips and practical exercises to address issues of sex and intimacy in relationships.
