Talking about sex seriously can feel awkward, so many of us shy away from it. But discussing it openly can actually help bring more intimacy into your relationship, says Cate Campbell, author of The Relate Guide to Sex and Intimacy.
If you and your partner struggle to discuss sex or feelings in general, this approach might help. Take a notebook and dedicate one page to writing requests to your partner, while the opposite page is for their responses. Make sure the responses start with ‘I will’ to keep things positive. For example, ‘I will think about that’ or ‘I will discuss that with you tonight’ shows openness rather than rejection.
Both partners should actively engage with this process, placing the book somewhere accessible and checking it daily. This ensures that both of you voice your feelings and concerns, promoting healthy communication instead of letting issues fester.
Also, try to acknowledge and express appreciation for small things your partner does. Simple statements like, ‘I love when you make me dinner’ or ‘I appreciated your support over the pocket money issue’ can foster closeness and intimacy.
Start sentences with ‘I’ rather than ‘you’ to avoid sounding accusatory. Saying, ‘I always feel a bit upset when you don’t call or text me back’ is less confrontational than ‘you don’t call or text me back’ and can prevent arguments.
Reminiscing about the early days of your relationship can help reignite your sexual connection. Remembering why you were initially attracted to each other can be fun and enlightening. This can be done with your kids too, sharing the positive story of how you met. When alone, reflecting on early sexual memories might inspire you to bring some of that excitement back into your current lovemaking.
Talking about saying no to sex can be tough, but it’s important. Discussing how to handle rejection beforehand can prevent awkward moments. A hug and a simple explanation can make it less uncomfortable.
Consider how you and your partner handle silence. Do you find it awkward or natural? Silences can be misinterpreted easily, so it’s worth discussing what they mean to each of you. This conversation can reveal important insights about your communication styles and prevent misunderstandings.
Choose the right moment for serious conversations. Plan them for times when neither of you will be rushed or caught off guard. Clear, direct statements are better than vague hints. For example, ‘I would like us to go to my sister’s party on Saturday’ is clearer than ‘What are you thinking of doing on Saturday?’
Keep discussions short, ideally under 20 minutes, to avoid frustration and unresolved issues. If needed, schedule more time later to continue the conversation.
Date nights can help you and your partner focus on each other away from daily stresses. Keep expectations realistic and treat these nights as times to relax and enjoy each other’s company. Conversations should be light and fun.
Make your sexual experiences special. Turn off your phone and keep pets out of the room to avoid distractions. Have everything you might need, like contraceptives or sex toys, easily accessible to avoid interrupting the mood.
After sex, take time to cuddle. This reinforces the special moment you’ve just shared and can be as important as the act itself.
Understand that different upbringings can affect your views on intimacy and sex. Be sensitive to each other’s beliefs and experiences. Neither of you is right or wrong, just different. Avoid assumptions and talk openly about your feelings.
Gender roles can influence your sexual expectations. Discuss how societal expectations might be affecting your relationship and what you both actually want. This can lead to a more satisfying and authentic sex life.
Don’t expect your partner to guess what you want or need sexually. Open communication is crucial. If asking directly feels uncomfortable, start with non-sexual requests and see how that goes. Talking about these things can make it easier for both of you to express yourselves.
Stay curious about your partner’s desires and never assume you know everything. Regularly discussing and exploring new things together can prevent boredom.
Try non-sexual touching to build intimacy. Gentle touches, using your fingertips, lips, or even feathers, can enhance closeness without the pressure of sex. This exploration can improve your overall intimacy and sex life.
Spontaneous sex is great in theory, but often couples need to plan for it realistically. Sometimes, scheduling or planning intimate moments can be necessary.
Consider taking a break from sex to enjoy non-sexual affection like kissing and cuddling. This can help you relax and appreciate intimacy without the pressure.
Body insecurities can make people avoid sex. Be sensitive to your partner’s insecurities. If they feel more comfortable with the lights off or partially clothed, respect that. Your understanding can help them feel more relaxed.
Show appreciation for small acts of intimacy. Eye contact, soft touches, and stolen kisses are all expressions of sexuality and should be valued as much as sex itself. Enjoy these moments for what they are, without expecting them to lead to sex.
By following these steps, you can deepen your intimacy and enhance your sexual relationship.
