Did you find the Fifty Shades series hard to resist? You’re not the only one. We asked BDSM expert Madame Caramel and sex therapist Sarah Berry for tips to help you explore your fantasies with our beginner’s guide to BDSM.
Let’s be honest, even though we consider ourselves open-minded, many of us stick to traditional views about sex. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, sometimes we suppress our deepest desires just to fit in. But why should we?
Sex is constantly evolving. Back in the 19th century, people often had sex fully clothed with special openings in their outfits. Anything beyond the missionary position was scandalous, not to mention oral or anal sex. Nowadays, these are standard parts of what we call vanilla sex. Those who enjoy kink and fetishes are now considered the outliers—but are we missing out on something?
If you’ve ever dreamt of spicing up your sex life with BDSM but didn’t know how to start, we’ve got insights from BDSM Mistress Madame Caramel and sex therapist Sarah Berry. According to Madame Caramel, BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. For her, as someone about to get married, BDSM is essential in her relationship, where she’s the dominant and her partner is the submissive.
In BDSM, bondage and discipline refer to acts where the submissive partner is trained and restrained. Many everyday sexual activities already include mild forms of these practices, like covering your partner’s eyes or lightly holding their hands. Restraints can range from Japanese rope bondage (Shibari) to more advanced tools like ceiling hooks or bondage cages. Discipline focuses on modifying behavior through physical or psychological punishments, such as spanking or humiliation.
In BDSM relationships, there’s always a dominant (Dom or Domme) and a submissive (sub). The dominant partner leads, and the submissive relinquishes control. Sadism and masochism involve giving and receiving pain for pleasure. Sadists enjoy inflicting pain, while masochists find pleasure in receiving it. Dominance and submission are about control, not necessarily pain, which might not even be part of a BDSM relationship.
After outlining BDSM’s basics, it’s time to consider your role. Sarah Berry explains that you can choose to be either dominant or submissive and even switch roles if that suits you. The best way to discover what you enjoy is to experiment. People often surprise themselves; someone who is a leader in everyday life might love being submissive in the bedroom and vice versa. Some try both roles and enjoy switching based on the session.
The beauty of BDSM is that it lets you and your partner explore something new and step into a different world. It allows you to safely live out your fantasies, which can benefit your mental health and relationship. However, as Sarah Berry notes, adding new elements to your sex life doesn’t automatically lead to happiness; both partners need to be equally interested.
Bringing up something new with your partner can be tricky. Worries about their reaction and possible arguments might crowd your thoughts, but communication is key. Madame Caramel stresses the importance of discussing BDSM with your partner to explore your desires without fear. Start small and add more as you go.
If you struggle with words, non-verbal cues might help. Try leaving a sexy note or watching a suggestive film together. Sarah Berry suggests asking your partner how they feel about your sex life and if they have any fantasies. Start with small ideas and build from there. Any BDSM activities should be mutually wanted, never pressured, and seen as fun rather than a chore.
Once you’ve talked it over and are on the same page, where do you begin? Sarah says you don’t need costly latex outfits or dungeons to be kinky. Even if you think you’re not into BDSM, you might already incorporate some aspects into your bedroom routine. Have a safe word ready for when “no” might actually mean “yes, keep going.”
Even everyday items can be tools for experimentation, like using a bathrobe belt for tying or a hairbrush as a paddle. Dressing for the part can help elevate your experience. Whether it’s latex, leather, or simple blindfolds, they can add excitement and mystery. Items like gag balls, handcuffs, and paddles offer different ways to enjoy and explore BDSM.
If you’ve learned about BDSM and want to spice things up, now’s the time to have some fun and enjoy the experience! Both Sarah Berry, a sex & relationship therapist, and internationally renowned BDSM expert Madame Caramel provide this insightful guidance.
