Did you find the Fifty Shades Trilogy hard to put down? You’re not alone. We’ve enlisted the help of BDSM Mistress Madame Caramel and Sex Therapist Sarah Berry to help you turn your fantasies into reality with our beginner’s guide to BDSM.
Let’s be honest, while many of us see ourselves as open-minded and progressive, we often stick to a conventional routine when it comes to sex. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but sometimes we suppress our deeper sexual desires to fit in—why? Sex is constantly evolving. Back in the 19th century, having sex fully clothed with special openings in the clothes was pretty common. Straying from the missionary position was considered taboo, let alone oral or anal sex.
Nowadays, such acts are parts of everyday “vanilla” sex, while those who enjoy rough sex, kinks, and fetishes are seen as bucking convention. But maybe we’re missing out on something? If you’ve ever dreamed about spicing up your sex life with BDSM but didn’t know where to start, we bring you expert advice from Madame Caramel and Sarah Berry.
Madame Caramel explains that BDSM can mean different things to different people. It stands for bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism and masochism (S&M). As a wife-to-be, she couldn’t imagine her relationship without BDSM; she enjoys a mix of all these elements, where she’s the dominant and her partner is the submissive.
In BDSM, bondage and discipline involve the submissive partner being restrained and sometimes trained. These acts are present in milder forms in our everyday sex lives—think about covering your partner’s eyes or holding their hands. Restraints can range from simple handcuffs to more elaborate setups like Shibari, ceiling hooks, or bondage cages. Discipline focuses on behavior modification, using punishments like spanking or erotic humiliation.
In a BDSM relationship, there is always a Dominant (Dom for males, Domme for females) and a submissive (often called subs for both genders), which involves one partner giving up control. Sadism and masochism involve the exchange of pain for pleasure, with masochists enjoying receiving pain and sadists enjoying giving it. This differs from dominance and submission, which are more about control than pain.
Once you understand the basics, it’s time to figure out what role suits you. Sarah says you can choose to be dominant, submissive, or even switch roles. Some dominant people in their everyday lives might enjoy being submissive in the bedroom, while others like to switch it up. It’s about finding the right balance for you and your partner. Madame Caramel suggests exploring what excites you and diving into it.
BDSM offers a chance to explore another dimension of life and step into an alternate world. It lets you safely explore fantasies with your partner, which can enhance your mental health and relationship. However, as Sarah warns, adding new elements to your sex life doesn’t guarantee happiness. Communication is key.
Madame Caramel emphasizes the need for understanding and discussing desires with your partner. If you’re shy about bringing it up verbally, try leaving a suggestive note or watching a suggestive movie together. Sarah suggests asking your partner about their fantasies or proposing small new things to try. Grow slowly, and always communicate openly—BDSM should be a fun and exciting endeavor, not a pressured or uncomfortable one.
Once you’re both on the same page, how do you get started? Sarah advises that being “kinky” doesn’t require expensive gear. Everyday items around your house can work just fine. Trust and safety are paramount in BDSM, so always have a safe word, as “no” might not really mean “no” during play. Explore different dynamics, like pinning someone down or using toys, and see what works for you.
Dressing the part can also help immerse you in your role. Whether it’s latex or leather, wearing something that makes you feel the part is a fun addition. As for accessories, starting with basics like handcuffs or paddles can provide thrill without going overboard. Remember, it’s all about finding what works for both of you.
Now, with a better grasp of BDSM, you can confidently spice up your sex life while having fun.
Sarah Berry is a Sex & Relationship therapist and an accredited member of COSRT (College of Sex & Relationship Therapists) and ATSAC (Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity). Madame Caramel is an internationally renowned UK Mistress and BDSM educator.
