Did you find the Fifty Shades Trilogy addictive? You’re not alone. We teamed up with BDSM expert Madame Caramel and sex therapist Sarah Berry to help turn your fantasies into reality with our beginner’s guide to BDSM.
Although we often see ourselves as open-minded, many of us stick to conventional ideas when it comes to sex. While there’s nothing wrong with this, sometimes we hold back our deepest desires to fit in, and what’s the point of that? Sex is always evolving. Back in the 19th century, having sex fully clothed with special holes in the attire for intercourse was the norm. Adventuring beyond the missionary position or exploring oral and anal sex was taboo.
Today, these acts are quite common, and those who enjoy rough sex or fetishes are now seen as breaking the mold. But maybe we’re missing out? If you’ve ever dreamed of adding a little something extra to your sex life—like BDSM—but weren’t sure where to start, we’ve got expert advice from Madame Caramel and Sarah Berry.
BDSM stands for bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism and masochism (S&M). Madame Caramel, who incorporates all these elements into her relationship, emphasizes understanding your role whether you’re dominant or submissive.
Bondage and discipline involve training and restraining the submissive partner. Everyday acts like covering a partner’s eyes or holding their hands together are milder forms of this. Restraint can range from tying someone up with a dressing gown cord to using handcuffs or more advanced setups like ceiling hooks.
Discipline focuses on modifying behavior, often through punishments like spanking or verbal domination. In any BDSM relationship, there’s a Dominant (Dom or Domme) who takes control, and a submissive (sub) who gives up control. Understanding the difference between sadism and masochism, which revolve around pain, and dominance and submission, which focus on control, is crucial. Pain isn’t always part of the Dominant/submissive dynamic.
Once you’re familiar with the basics, you’ll want to decide on your role. As Sarah points out, you might want to try being dominant or submissive, or switch between the two. Experimenting helps discover what works for you. It’s about balancing your preferences with your partner’s, without feeling pressured or stressed.
A successful relationship thrives on open communication. Talking about BDSM shouldn’t be different. It’s important to discuss your interests honestly and explore fantasies without fear. Start small—maybe leave a flirty note or watch a suggestive movie together to gauge interest.
If you’re ready to begin, remember that you don’t need fancy gear or dungeons. Often, everyday household items can serve as tools. Establish a safe word since a BDSM session might involve role-playing where “no” doesn’t necessarily mean stop.
Trying BDSM can enhance your relationship if both partners are on board, making it an exciting adventure rather than a task. So, you’ve had a talk and decided to jump in—what’s next? Sarah suggests that just being a little creative with what’s around the house is a great place to begin.
Dressing the part can enhance the experience. A latex outfit can instantly help switch into your role. Blindfolds can increase suspense, and a gag ball can add a playful challenge. Handcuffs, paddles, and even whips can provide variety and thrill if that’s what you’re into. Remember, though, the most important part is to have fun and spice up your sex life.
Sarah Berry is a sex and relationship therapist and an accredited member of COSRT and ATSAC. Madame Caramel is a renowned UK Mistress and BDSM educator.
